Cruel and Unusual News Cycles

well, i keep waiting to hear something on the news that will inspire me to blog and not just to mutter evil things under my breath. so far, no dice.

i listened to most of a show yesterday where the premise was that everyone is automatically bashing the idea of arabs running US ports, but maybe we should hear about the kinder, gentler side of UAE. pretty much everyone who called in- all three people- said that at least they were better than _____________ (fill in any other arab country here). then a former navy guy called to say that when they needed a respite, they would park their big naval vessels in dubai, a port of the UAE, because that was considered safe (again, relative to the rest of the countries in that region...). yeah, okay- yemen was considered a safe port, too- until they bombed the side of the USS COLE. next...

then, late last night, i heard a story for the third or fourth time, that i realized had blog potential, if only i would give it that unique blogblond spin. so, here goes...

apparently a judge in california (or a federal judge for california?? i was kind of asleep at first...) has decided that lethal injection is cruel and unusual punishment, violating the 8th amendment of the constitution. why? because it may cause the dying man pain... so they have now decided that it would be less cruel and less unusual to overdose him on barbituates so he can just drift off into the sweet slumber of a peaceful death, which, after all, is what any apple pie eating all-american murderer/rapist/torturer deserves. this in itself is funny- that a hardened criminal can "do the time" but can't get pricked by a needle. but that's not even the crux of the issue. in california, three conditions must be met before a death sentence can be handed down. the inmate in question met all three conditions- one of which is that torture is an element of the crime. (don't go letting your heart bleed over this one; he uncoercedly confessed...)

so, after this gentle soul stalked, raped, beat, raped, hurt, and raped some poor woman who screamed for help the whole time (according to his testimony), he attached her to the side of his car so that she was hanging face down on the road and drove around with her for a while so that the road would scour off her face (she was still alive at the beginning of this) so that she wouldn't be identified as easily, thus buying him more time to run and hide since he was less likely to be linked to the crime. ah, humanity.

sorry to be so graphic, but this is the guy we want to be spared the pain of an injection (actually just an IV line being inserted, since the actual "injection" is shot into the line and not the arm, but i digress). this is the case this judge wants to go into the constitutional law textbooks as the poster child for someone who should be spared suffering. this is an indication of how far we have evolved as a species.

wtf?

i, your humble blogblond, would like to suggest an alternative form of justice, that would actually approach the meaning of the word justice. i know that many people are stuck on this whole biblical "eye for an eye" thing. this is problematic, since it would be highly unethical, not to mention shockingly upsetting, for an employee of the government to rape, torture, etc. a death row inmate. so, in the interest of fairness and good karma all around, i think we should let other inmates EARN this privledge.

right now, prisoners with "good time" can earn cigarettes, money for the snack shop, cushy prison jobs, or early release. think how much more motivated they would be to behave in prison if we let them earn a chance to do what they love most- hurt and destroy other people.

the sentence would be exactly what the crime was. you raped? guess what? you beat to a pulp? hope you like pain...unfortunately, one cannot replicate the terror of a young girl who is attacked and raped, but that shouldn't stop us from trying. sure we can't induce the kind of horror that victims of violence often endure as they see their loved ones tortured or murdered before their eyes, but no system is perfect. (as a side note, many of the arab countries which the US seems to hold in such high esteem have no compunction about punishing family members for the sins of their relatives, so that's one to think about...).

maybe, just maybe, that child rapist would think twice about those moments of pleasure if he knew with certainty that he would face the same treatment at the hands of 350 pound bubba in the state pen. perhaps the guy who burns a family alive to cover up his burglary would just wear a ski mask next time if he knew that his cell mate was gonna torch him and then roast some marshmallows over his smoking remains.

and think of the compliance rate of inmates hoping to get that next executioner slot. no more attacks on guards, because you can save that rage for the guy on death row. why settle for shanking someone, when you could get literally hours more of pleasure but hacking someone to death with an ice pick? prison could become like fantasy island for felons. with such a plethora of willing executioners, we wouldn't need to have such a backlog of inmates sucking up tax dollars that could be used for filling potholes or something. they're not being rehabilitated anyway, so why not at least put their talents to good use?

less expense for the state, less prisoner-on-prisoner crime, more deterrent value, and, let's not forget, JUSTICE for the family and loved ones of the victim. what could be more of a win-win all around feel-good solution?

there's nothing like a little karma with your morning coffee.

Finally, A Ray Of Sunshine In The News!

just to let you all know- dimmy has procreated once again. mrs dimmy gave birth to a healthy, happy, beautiful baby girl a few days ago. the blogbrit and i wish them much much happiness, and all the best of everything, and we hope they enjoy their new baby girl as much as we are enjoying ours!

Yes, Virginia, There Is A Biathalon...

well, whaddaya know- there are stilll some things out there, having nothing to do with technology, that can baffle the blogblond.

a few weeks ago i heard the tail end of a discussion about a biathalon. i assumed, based on the information given about it, that it was a hoax. a total joke. like me telling my teenager that i heard the next olympics will feature rear-end wiping as a sport. (extra points if you spray air freshener afterward...) but no, the biathalon is real.

now, you may say, "wtf is a biathalon?" what i actually said is, "noooooo waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!"

the biathalon is a "sport" where overly buff men ski for like a gazillion miles with sharpshooter rifles strapped to their backs. like james bond on steroids. when they get to the end of the ski course- "past the brink of exhaustion!" the announcer proudly explained!- they fall on their faces on the ground and shoot targets with their rifles. most of them seemed to miss most of their shots, but, then again, james bond got a stunt double to do the skiing...

now, what i want to know is, who the heck thought up this gem of a sport. and even more than that- who exactly are the fans???

this is like some terrible movie that becomes a cult classic merely for the torture of how aweful it is (on this topic- go rent napolean dynamite!!!! seriously...).

i remember the olympics as a child. the stuff we got to watch- gymnastics and fugure skating mostly- was really really good. the tricks were, well, tricky. the moves were art in motion. you held your breath and you gasped when you watched them do some gravity-defying amazing thing and made it look effortless. they really were the best of the best in something that looked like it took exceptional discipline and training.

now the olympics seem to bring to life that glorious western ideal of everything is fabulous to someone... i actually watched- yeah, i know- i think it was snow boarding. it was- and i'm not joking- a gaggle of 5'6" men (yes, they were all 5'6- anybody know why???) with baggy clothes that had the black pinstrpies on white that i have only seen in photos of concentration camps. no, that is not funny. except that, unlike in the camps, these guys had baggy saggy oversized stuff (and not becasue they were wasting away). their trousers were literally falling down as they did their routines. they were like some pseudo-gangsta gay surfer dudes gone wild- and they strutted like they were sooooooooooooo cool.

wanna know what they did to impress their fans? they flew up in the air and grabbed their boards. yeah, big whoop. the announcer was like, "wow- look at that air!" huh? can he actually see air? wonder what he's smoking. do the boarders create some special kind of air by grabbing their boards? and then what's worse is that the men in my house all started saying, "wow- look at that air!" every time another guy would flip. they got that glazed over look in their eyes like a 4th grader watching a video about how babies are made. like it is so spectacular that they can't even believe it is real. like it is too good to be true. like they are so sorry that THEY never thought of taking up air as an olympic sport...like there really was some special knid of air floating around...

and that's pretty much what the olympics seem to have turned into. a festival of mediocrity and anything is worthwhile-ness that is boring beyond belief and underwhelming beyond reason. the couple that gold-medalled in figure skating last night was technically okay, but had no spark, no magic, no "wow" factor. they just sucked less than everyone else. the sports they are including- sliding around on various pieces of wood or fiberglass, and i hear soon ballroom dancing- woo hoo!- are so un-sporty as to be un-fun to watch. i get it that if you play checkers, you might want that to become an olympic sport, but c'mon- is that really what the olympics are about?

now, please don't think that i am some big fan or supporter of the olympics, because that would be entirely wrong. i just think there should be some integrity out there. or maybe i should petition for laundry folding to become an olympic sport. do you think that would be summer or winter? and if i make it to the medal round, will you guys all support me?

go blond!!!

Bittersweet Reunion With An Old Friend- The F Word

a few days ago, while out on a target run with my buddiest girlfriend, i decided to visit an old friend i haven't had contact with in quite a while. there was no particular reason, no pang of nostalgia, no flash of inspiration. i just felt like the time might be right to shake things up a bit. so, on the way to the parking lot, i reunited with the f word.

now, let me back up and provide you with some background here. the f word and i used to be close. at times in my life, we were virtually inseparable. the f word was there when i needed it, never judging, never scolding- just there to be picked up and tossed around any time i felt like i needed it. f and i go way, way back. i remember an early flirtation with f, back when i was about 10 years old, writing a hate letter to my mother (yeah, don't start...). i tentatively wrote it in, and liked it so much that i darkened it up, and underlined it, and then used it repeatedly throughout the letter. being appropriately hippy-wannabe and new-agey before its time, my mother didn't nip this "free expression" (my constitutional right!) in the bud. (yeah, i know...) from there , my love for f (the word, not the deed. hi, dimmy) just grew and grew. as a teenager f and i were closer than any two beings should be. f was in my heart and in my mind, and frequently in my notebooks and conversations. i was f-ed.

so, it was with some sadness and some measure of relief that i realized that f and i are no longer a good fit. the word sounded wrong coming out of my mouth. although my friend, a connoisseur of the f word in her own right, did not look horrified, or even laugh out loud (she probably wanted to...), the awkwardness that followed my ungracious f-bomb was tangible and complete.

this friend has taken to using the letters WTF, as in: what the f---? instead of using the actual word. i kinda like it, especially in writing. it's a little smoother sounding than the f word, which is apparently out of my current demographic purview. in a way. i guess it's nice that f and i have parted ways. maybe it's a sign that i've become more refined. maybe it shows that i am older, wiser, and have a better vocabulary. maybe i am just one classy blond.

or maybe i am like that 67 year old woman who tries to wear a mini skirt and stripper shoes and everyone is, like, barfing behind her back- past my prime and played out.

i'm gonna go eat some chocolate.

wtf???

"Constitutional Rights"- The Race Card For Ill-Informed Crusaders

Okay, over the last week or so i have heard about 18 million things that made me think, "man, i should blog about that...".

last night i heard something that so blew me away by its sheer idiocy that i actually made a note to remember it so that i could rant about it.

so, here goes:

you know that i am all about nursing. you know that i am even to the extreme of most nursing moms with the whole family bed/nursing on demand around the clock thing. i think that a mom should nurse her baby when her baby needs her, but there are certain limits of just common decency that i may or may not have time to throw in at the end of this post.

here's what got me last night. there was a case in ann arbor, michigan- the berkley, CA of the midwest- where a woman was nursing her baby at the local YMCA while her other child swam in the pool. clearly offended by the total lack of modesty shown by discreetly nursing under a t-shirt, the bikini-wearing lifeguard and other similarly clad swimmers objected to this shocking display and asked her to leave the pool area. when they realized how completely foolish they sounded (yes, we can wear bathing suits of all shapes and sizes, but you cannot show 1/4 inch of the side of your breast while you nurse becasue it is too shocking to our delicate sensibilities...) they told her that she was violating the regulation against having food in the pool area. i WISH i was making that up!

anyway, all of the baby-toting crackpots turned out for this one- you know, the ones with their 6 year old tandem nursing with their toddler and newborn- yeah, annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyway- they interviewed one of those women at a rally to show support. now, let me digress and say that i can totally get on board with saying that the no food rule clearly did not apply to the nursing mom transporting contraband in her breasts. i would fully support someone pointing out how ridiculous it is to be offended by some showing of skin when you are at a pool where people A) are wearing bathing suits, and B) are walking around the locker room stark naked...but this woman they interviewed, this intellectual giant, this well-read bastion of knowledge said she was really upset because, "...nursing infants have a constitutional right to eat!"

come again?

like i said, go ahead and feed your baby. more power to you! you have a right to feed your baby as long as you are being reasonably discreet and respectful of other people's personal space. but a CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO EAT????

so many times when something happens in politics, some random person will throw out the race card for no clear reason. not that there is any evidence of racism, implied or otherwise. not like everyone is sick to death of hearing race-whining- they will still cry racism for the stupidest least racist thing around. apparently, this has been replaced by crying constitutional violation...


club gitmo prisoners have constitutional rights even thought they are not US citizens and are not protected by our constitution? yeah, okay...

you have a constitutional right to smoke in a privately owned bar in new york, even though the owner and other patrons don't want you to? yeah, okay...

you have a constitutional right to not eat broccoli? import endangered species stolen from other continents? carry your box-cutters onto an airplane? yeah, whatever...

but "infants have a constitutional right to eat?" when did we, as a nation, stop thinking and start speaking in trite slogans that 90% of the population appears to latch onto even though they don't understand what they are saying?

i have always been among the snobby arrogant intellectual elite who belives that most people are dumber than i am - but seriously- are people getting that much stupider, or do i just have less patience?