BlogBlond

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Where Is The Love- Or Is It All About The Porn?

okay, this is for all you slackers out there who read this blog, but give me no feedback:

when i was a pseudo porn star, i got like 8 million hits from readers spanning the globe. from bulgaria to hungary, to some oddly spelled south american country, i had people checking out this blog. granted, they only stayed long enough to realize that this blog has no naked pictures, but still...

now, when i spill out personal family business regarding what goes on in the blogbrit/blogblond family bed, i get nothing. insightful political ranting- nada. pithy comments intending to pith people off- zilch. so i am asking you all- what's up with that? can a blogblond get no love unrelated to porn?

i must admit that i do have the stat counter thingie- but that's like those boys who cheat on you in high school- they give you just enough irrelevant information to completely obfuscate the real point, and you're left feeling vaguely crazy. so, my stat counter will say- don't worry, blond- you've had several visitors over the last few days. their isp numbers- or ispn numbers, or whatever they are- were 754764.43.63737..754783583 and they uploaded or downloaded or uplinked 9.548 pages in an average of 42.65 seconds per page. what the heck is that? I AM NOT TECHNOLITERATE!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's like missing a phone call and your caller id says- yeah, someone called, but i didn't get a name or number. but they were calling from a blackish grey cordless phone with a 7" antenna from somewhere in the midwest. oh, and there was some kind of chip inside the phone with storage capacity for 4800 phone numbers. what IS that????

my husband actually bought me chocolate the other day to make me feel better about this lack of cyber love. even my guy on the side is two timing me- with my own husband (but that's another story...) (and a JOKE!!!!) . what a week... i am starting to feel like that guy in the office who has really bad breath- but nobody wants to be the guy to step up to the plate and tell him, so everyone just avoids him. then his one friend who does talk to him is like, no- nobody's avoiding you- it's just flu season and they're all germ phobic... so cyber pals- do i have cooties or are you all just slacking?

must i mention porn in every post in hopes of getting hits? what do i have to do to get some feedback around here? i know you're out there, lurking around your keyboard, thinking okay, maybe i WILL write something here... but maybe the blond will excoriate me (i have wanted to use that word on here for sooooooooo long!!!). maybe she really does have cooties and i will catch them if i post. maybe i will be exposed as a cyber-lurker and then i won't get an invitation to that afternoon tea i was hoping to attend... so, all i'm saying is, just grab the mouse and do the click and type the words and POST ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornpornporn

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Is America A Sleeping GIant or Just A Big Dumb Oaf?

quite surprisingly, and contrary to all peace-loving, evil-excusing liberal ideology, the "palestinians" have elected hamas (proud originators of the suicide bomb terrorists) to REPRESENT them as a people. now, maybe this is just my corrupt western ideology talking, but i'm thinking that if you freely vote for someone to represent you (meaning stand for/further/work to attain your interests and ideals), and that someone happens to be a sick scummy terrorist, then you, by your own definition of yourself, are a sick scummy terrorist too. maybe you don't actually strap on the bomb belt, maybe you are just a wannabe, but if your heroes are a bunch of psychos who want to blow up innocent human beings (for what ideal, again?) that makes a statement about YOU.

so, i'm waiting with the anticipation that grips someone who is about to watch the 15th instant replay of a football player blowing out his knee or an ice skater crashing his skull and breaking his neck. i'm cringing and somewhat nauseated, but oddly drawn to watching what will come next. what am i waiting for? i'm waiting to see how the lefties will spin the election results to explain how the arabs really do want peace and how hamas is really not a terrorist group who has never waivered from their commitment to try to annihilate israel. i know that hamas, in a beautiful showing of their kindler gentler side (no, i did not say manipulative and conniving...) makes summer camps for kids (terrorist-in-training camps?) and gives lemonade to thirsty ctizens. but can anyone honestly say that the "palestinian" people voted in hamas for anything but their hatred of the jews? are there lefties out there who, in spite of their idealization of 3rd world peoples, would suggest that the very arabs they so idealize are so stupid that they would vote for more lemonade and not know about the terrorism dispensed by their duly elected representatives?

i know the justifications will soon flow as freely as the anti-semitism they mask. i know that the misguided love of the seeming" underdog" will soon guide the discussions of either how positive hamas can be for the "oppressed" people, or how the "palestinians" were driven by desperation (over what?) to elect corrupt hamas over corrupt fatah. but i am still so curious to see how this will all play out. will the "sleeping giant" countries finally wake up and smell the scuds?

also, i am waiting for someone to explain, in a coherent and well-reasoned way, why this double standard of acceptability is not only tolerated- it is embraced.

how much money are the US, England, Canada, and other do-gooder nations throwing at this new "palestinian state"? how many weapons have we given them to control thier citizens that will eventually be used to kidnap non-combatants or to slaughter pre-schoolers?

really don't tell me, because i may become ill (or psychotic, or both).

it's the same question i have, over and over and over again, that nobody can give a good answer to. why would it be an abomination to arm the nazis, but not to arm the arabs? why is aryan nation a group of hatemongers, while the PLO is a group of freedom fighters? i come back to this point again and again in hopes that someone out there can shed some light. so, if you think you've got the answer, please post.

otherwise, please send duct tape.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Family Bed

Warning: this post contains Too Much Information. if you choose to continue reading, because you are the type of person who can't resist surveying the carnage after a particularly nasty accident- well, that's on you. consider yourself warned...

our family, much to the dismay of my long-suffering husband, practices a concept called "family bed". this is our attempt, as normal middle class americans, to replicate poverty-stricken sub saharan africans. or, as my mother calls it, New Age Birth Control. rather than eating locusts or donning loin cloths, we show our solidaity with the world's citizens by letting our babies and young children sleep in ou bed with us. . we are one with the global tribe.

the way it works is: from the moment the baby is born he or she sleeps with me. the baby can nurse whenever it wants and i never have to leave the comfort of a warm bed in the middle of the night. my husband and other children never have to be woken up by a crying baby, hungry but in another room so it has to cry to get my attention. the baby can hear my breathing and my heartbeat, and i can just reach over to pat its sweet little back or touch its silky hair, or just calm it back to sleep. (btw, for those of you who are keeping score, the rate of SIDS for babies who sleep in a family bed is almost none. and, to my knowledge, no parent who was not intoxicated by drugs or alcohol has ever rolled over and smothered the baby. just so you know...) those are the upsides...

the small drawback is that this latest baby doesn't really want to leave our family bed. not that i can blame it (or in the present case- her). our room is where all the fun is. not only do we hide the treats in there, but we listen to AM talk radio when the rest of the house is quiet. we have the fluffy down comforters while the rest of the rooms have regular quilts. we have lively and spirited discussions (in hushed tones, of course) long after everyone else (except the teenager) is asleep. we trade secrets about friends, neighbors, and co-workers. and, really, what self-respecting baby wants to miss juicy gossip?

usually the babies start wanting their own space ( i hear this is called a "crib"...) and they gradually transition into their own bed- or at least the bed of an older sibling in the "big kids" room. this baby, though, seems to have other plans. much as this disgruntles my husband, however, this is not what is currently bugging me about our family bed.

the current issue, and again i remind you that this post contains TMI, is that this baby is a grabber. that's right- you know those machines in an arcade that have the mechanical arm with the big claw thing attached, and they just sort of thunk down wherever it looks like they might get lucky and grab a prize? well, she's kinda like that.

for most of her life, she had neither the coordination or the expectation of success that would lead her to make a grab for the goods when she wanted a midnight nosh. lately, however, the rules have changed. these days it's like an all-night snack bar- kind of like denny's with breastmilk. hungry? serve yourself. thirsty? have at it. bored? lonely? lost a sock? no problem- just paw mommy and soothe yourself back to sleep with a little emotional eating. disturbed yet? try waking up to cold little hands rooting around inside your shirt when you were having a perfectly pleasant dream about canadian politics.

it wasn't so bad when she would whine a little bit and i would wake up and nurse her, but now my little miss independent has graduated to self-serve. my husband rolled over the other night and put his hand on my shoulder- and i'm pretty sure i hissed at him to just wait for breakfast. i am getting paranoid that one of my other kids will come into my room for something and find me inflagrante nursicato. i am starting to have nightmares about being in the grocey store with my shirt opened down to the belly button.

i know my little one needs me, and i am all about the nursing, but this is turning into a made for tv movie or an after school special. it is like alien, but in reverse- where the creature is trying to crawl back in instead of trying to get out. and if i rebuff her, she makes this gunt of indignation- like how dare i withold what is rightfully hers. i know that this stage will pass, and that it will all be over much too quickly, and that i will miss these days of having a baby who really needs me. but in the meantime i am thinking about hiding under the bed in a sleeping bag wearing multiple layers of padlocked clothing.

or maybe i'll just start putting the baby in her crib...

but then what would i blog about???

Monday, January 16, 2006

Blogblond Rules

okay, gang. here's the update:

blogblond -1
giant video thing -0

not only did she spend the night alone in the cold basement, we forced her to show a children's video before bed. to add further humiliation, we let the kids play mario brothers on her. take THAT, video wench!

on to better and brighter news, i went to anysara's shower last night. my five year old really did ask me, "mommy, are you really going to take a shower with all of your friends?" yeah...

anyway, we went to a place called "you're fired!" nope, no donald trump nonsense for the blogblond and co.- this place was where you pick out a piece of pottery (ceramics? glass? misc. hard white substance? i'm sure photochicklet will be able to set us all straight on this...) and paint it. then they glaze it and throw it (gently, i'm sure) into a kiln to make it all shiny and pretty and usable. everyone made anysara a something to use in her new home- from serving pieces to doggie bowls- and it was all reflective of our individual pesonalities, and all full of love for anysara. it was so much nicer than the run-of-the-mill shower where you have to sit and fake smile while the bride-to-be has to sit and fake smile when she opens her fourth crock pot. not that i have anything against crock pots, it's just all the cheesey fake smiling that makes me want to gag. oooooooooooooooooooh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! those oven mits are SO PERFECT!!! they match you brother's eyes!! how perfect!!! and this computer keyboad cozy- how original and thoughtful- did you crochet this yourself? oh, it's knitted, not crocheted- so sorry... it's all the rage in bangladesh and hungary right now? wow- i'm so lucky to have a friend like you!!! large fake smile...

anyway, you get the picture...

but anysara's shower was the unshower. it was only people who really care about her- no courtesy invites. it was all the stuff women love to eat when they don't have to impress non inner-circle friends by eating veggie puffs with a dainty toothpick. it was all the easy joking around that happens among real friends and no discussions of the latest china pattern that people seem to think brides want to talk about. it was totally anysara through and though, and i have to say that i think it was the best shower i have ever been to.

so, that's all the news for now. i'm off to make something special in honor of martin luther king day. okay, really i'm going to guzzle some coffee and make my baby some oatmeal with applesauce mixed in. i was just trying to be pretentious.

have a great day!!!!!!

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Love And Other Indoor Sports

last night my husband got a rather large flat screen SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. (please be discreet here, since people in my community generally frown on these things as wastes of time, polluters of souls, and bastions of filth)

he and my oldest son had a hand slapping, back patting, grand ole time shopping for, buying, and setting up said offensive object. they rented videos, got plenty of junkfood, a few beverages, and were pretty much happier than i have seen either one of them in a long long time. they had that same goofy spaced out smile that my baby gets after she has made a particularly satisfying dirty diaper... mmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm good...

my husband apparently fell asleep with his new toy in the den last night. not that i paid much attention, but he crawled into bed this morning at approximately sometime aound, oh, let's say 5:18a.m. (and 26 seconds...) . now, this wouldn't be so bad, excpet that this morning when i went inot the den, she gave me a really nasty look. yes, the THING glared at me. with impunity. like, yeah- i got your man- now what are YOU gonna do about it???

so i was thinking- maybe from now on i should become more watchable. perhaps i should make salads with a machate instead of a petite girly paring knife. between veggies i could throw the knife up in the air, do three back flips, and catch the knife in my teeth. yeah, i am gonna cut the tomatoes now... this is called the action sequence...

i could start throwing plates at said hubby when he walks through the door. i could wear really trashy red lipstick and say really trashy words as i hurl anything that is not nailed down- and that is called a captivating plot...

now, as far as cinematography, that's a tough one to replicate. but then i realized that only "chicks" care about cinematography anyway, so that kind of solved itself.

my screen is not anywhere near 52 inches, and my volume controls are not as easily adjusted as my husband would like, but overall i am thinking that i am a keeper.

and, for the record, SHE is moving into the basement later today.

the question is: where will my One and Only sleep tonight?

stay tuned...

Friday, January 13, 2006

And Now For Something Completely The Same...

okay, just wanted to mention the blogs of two friends who i have been unable to figure out how to link to (yeah, the blond thing...):

www.reznikov.org/blog is my friend dimmy. he has a kid, so his life is pretty boring, but his blog has some high points... (we love you, dima...) extra points cuz he commented on another blog that he misses me...

www.photochickatlarge.blogspot.com is a friend who is trying to cultivate psychopathology in order to be edgy. if you read her blog, it would make all of her budding personalities really really happy. if you comment, you will get extra credit on the test. if you write a really good comment, she might even send you a piece of her legendary chocolate cheesecake- yum!

sorry, but my tech department just got engaged, so she's been a little busy...

anyway, enjoy!

oh, and p.s. -another friend's blog says that if you write "poop" then you get more hits- so this is an experimental word drop...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Blogblond Is An Intellectual Exhibitionist

i was thinking about this whole phenomena of blogging. why would otherwise normal, rational, regular people want to put their innermost thoughts out into cyberspace for everyone to read? the same people who would hem and haw if you asked them about their first crush or their best birthday ever, will willingly discuss the intimate minutae of their lives under the somewhat pseudo-anonymity of the blog world. different bloggers will show different quirks when it comes to revealing information. some will put up heart-wrenching, soul ripping poetry, but won't say what city they live in, for the sake of privacy. some will talk about their most personal experiences, but use initials instead of names in order to protect the guilty. others hide behind current events or humor to get the thrill of narcissistic exhibitionism without the pain of self disclosure (literally or figuratively). and a rare few will just lay bare their true selves for all to read about (hi, josh!)

so, the question is: what's up with this quasi-exhibitionist trend? why are so many people doing it? why is it so compelling to read about someone else's break-up or their first girlfriend or their mother's pancreatic cancer? is this just socially acceptable soap operas? mind candy for the reasonably bright? what compels us to write, even though we are done with high school english, and compels us to read, even when we have full real lives that are very much engrossing? is this just the gawker delay on the road of life, or is it something more?

or am i just an intellectual exhibitionist?

Saturday, January 07, 2006

We Have Seen The Enemy, And The Enemy Is...Blogblond

the newest disturbing blogblond realization: i have alienated the few friends i still have from my childhood.

i grew up in a clique of 5 people. one of them fell out of the group a long time ago, but the other 4 of us have managed to keep in touch over the years- in spite of the different directions our lives have taken. i try to keep politics, and mostly religion, out of our discussions, since these are points of (potential) contention. you see, i have jumped ship on the left-leaning ideology of our middle class youth. while they have gone on, for the most part, to lead lives that are reflective of the general values that we were all raised with, i have turned my life upside down (which i think was a good decision). after much earnest and thoughtful searching on my part, i embraced a set of values that i think reflects Truth (yes, the kind with a capital T). my friends, who i am certain had their own journeys in search of Real Meaning, have stayed more in line with the ideology we grew up with.

so, what does this have to do with this blog?

well, several of those friends have checked out this blog. (sorry d, but you don't count here, since rumor has it that you have also come over to the dark side and embraced a republican wife...)
was i so excited to share my new pastime with my friends? on the contrary, i felt vaguely evil, as if i had betrayed them and the unspoken pact to not throw controversial issues in each others' faces. i felt like they could/might see my posts as an attack on their values, or as a negation of the sense of meaning they have in their own lives. while i find posting vey cathartic and very inspiring, i purposely did not tell certain friends and family members about the blog so it would never be viewed as a slap at them in any way. but then i found out that some of them have been reading the blog. UGH. (sinking feeling in the pit of stomach...)

so, why this post? i guess in part it is to say that i am writing to provoke thought and not anger. in part it is to apologize if i have offended anyone personally, since my real intention is to attack ideas, not friends (this is for you too, anysara). i don't apologize for or regret AT ALL who i am and what i believe, but i know that at times i can be a bit acerbic, and i want everyone to know that it is not my intention to pick any personal fights.

so, that said, and caveat emptor being officially invoked, i hope you will all come back -as often as you can stand it :) and that you will find something hree that will make you rethink- or at least something that will make you smile when you shake your head sadly, and think, oh no, there she goes again...