Yes, Virginia, There Is A Biathalon...

well, whaddaya know- there are stilll some things out there, having nothing to do with technology, that can baffle the blogblond.

a few weeks ago i heard the tail end of a discussion about a biathalon. i assumed, based on the information given about it, that it was a hoax. a total joke. like me telling my teenager that i heard the next olympics will feature rear-end wiping as a sport. (extra points if you spray air freshener afterward...) but no, the biathalon is real.

now, you may say, "wtf is a biathalon?" what i actually said is, "noooooo waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!"

the biathalon is a "sport" where overly buff men ski for like a gazillion miles with sharpshooter rifles strapped to their backs. like james bond on steroids. when they get to the end of the ski course- "past the brink of exhaustion!" the announcer proudly explained!- they fall on their faces on the ground and shoot targets with their rifles. most of them seemed to miss most of their shots, but, then again, james bond got a stunt double to do the skiing...

now, what i want to know is, who the heck thought up this gem of a sport. and even more than that- who exactly are the fans???

this is like some terrible movie that becomes a cult classic merely for the torture of how aweful it is (on this topic- go rent napolean dynamite!!!! seriously...).

i remember the olympics as a child. the stuff we got to watch- gymnastics and fugure skating mostly- was really really good. the tricks were, well, tricky. the moves were art in motion. you held your breath and you gasped when you watched them do some gravity-defying amazing thing and made it look effortless. they really were the best of the best in something that looked like it took exceptional discipline and training.

now the olympics seem to bring to life that glorious western ideal of everything is fabulous to someone... i actually watched- yeah, i know- i think it was snow boarding. it was- and i'm not joking- a gaggle of 5'6" men (yes, they were all 5'6- anybody know why???) with baggy clothes that had the black pinstrpies on white that i have only seen in photos of concentration camps. no, that is not funny. except that, unlike in the camps, these guys had baggy saggy oversized stuff (and not becasue they were wasting away). their trousers were literally falling down as they did their routines. they were like some pseudo-gangsta gay surfer dudes gone wild- and they strutted like they were sooooooooooooo cool.

wanna know what they did to impress their fans? they flew up in the air and grabbed their boards. yeah, big whoop. the announcer was like, "wow- look at that air!" huh? can he actually see air? wonder what he's smoking. do the boarders create some special kind of air by grabbing their boards? and then what's worse is that the men in my house all started saying, "wow- look at that air!" every time another guy would flip. they got that glazed over look in their eyes like a 4th grader watching a video about how babies are made. like it is so spectacular that they can't even believe it is real. like it is too good to be true. like they are so sorry that THEY never thought of taking up air as an olympic sport...like there really was some special knid of air floating around...

and that's pretty much what the olympics seem to have turned into. a festival of mediocrity and anything is worthwhile-ness that is boring beyond belief and underwhelming beyond reason. the couple that gold-medalled in figure skating last night was technically okay, but had no spark, no magic, no "wow" factor. they just sucked less than everyone else. the sports they are including- sliding around on various pieces of wood or fiberglass, and i hear soon ballroom dancing- woo hoo!- are so un-sporty as to be un-fun to watch. i get it that if you play checkers, you might want that to become an olympic sport, but c'mon- is that really what the olympics are about?

now, please don't think that i am some big fan or supporter of the olympics, because that would be entirely wrong. i just think there should be some integrity out there. or maybe i should petition for laundry folding to become an olympic sport. do you think that would be summer or winter? and if i make it to the medal round, will you guys all support me?

go blond!!!