Flora, Fauna, and Toxic Gasses-Vietnam or Your Digestive System?

i actually have nothing to say on this topic, but i thought it was a really great title for a post. feel free to pass it on to your local gastroenterology blog...

Thanks, But No Thanks

here in the blogblond household, we do not celebrate thanksgiving.

even before i became a religious fanatic, i thought it was sort of odd to celebrate how we took advantage of the indians. they helped the pilgrims to survive in the "new world", which was lucky becasue it gave the europeans the time and strength to regroup to begin to kill off the indians. the indians unfairly defended some of their homeland, while the pilgrims quite honorably called them savages and pushed them into ever-more undesirable land. they gave us corn and we gave them smallpox. all's fair in love and war, i guess...

fast forward to now, when we just don't bother with thanksgiving as a holiday, because it's not really part of our lives. for the bounty we have, we are thankful every day. we appreciate what we have, and it has nothing to do with turkey. we try to teach our children to be aware of the many gifts they are blessed with.

i have no problem with people who do celebrate thanksgiving. even though only a small fraction of americans can actually say that it was their ancestors who survived until that first harvest, i am happy that at least a few times a year otherwise disconnected families will sit down to share a meal together. if the excuse for seeing long-distance relatives is thanksgiving, so be it.

what i don't get it people who act like you are committing a serious act of blasphemy by not celebrating thanksgiving. is it really that important to them that my family eats turkey? are they part of a vast cranberry sauce conspiracy? do they get extra points if i eat pumpkin pie? i am not preachy about thanksgiving. i don't volunteer that we don't celebrate it. my family actually eats together every single night, and several times a year we do get together with relatives for other reasons. so what's the deal?

what is offensive about saying thanks, but no thanks to thanksgiving?

The Official Blogblond Political Dictionary

as you contemplate voting tomorrow, you may want to have the following translations in mind. i am, after all, a political science major...

pro-choice=i am trying to kiss up to the loony leftists
pro-life= i am trying to kiss up to the religious fanatics

i will lower your taxes= i will do whatever i want as soon as i get into office. if i lower your taxes at all, you can bet i'll do it by cutting exactly the services you personally need.
i will lower expenditures= i will do whatever i want as soon as i get into office. if i lower expenditures at all, you can bet i'll do it by cutting exactly the services you personally need. i may claim to want to eliminate inefficiency in government, but if you think i have any intention of alienating my cronies once i get into office, you need to get a few advance doses of methadone before i cut it off.

i support the troops= i don't want to tick off the rednecks
i support an immediate withdrawl of troops= i want to go out of my way to tick off the rednecks. after all, they don't make big campaign contributions. i prefer to cater to pansy-ass cut and run liberals with big checkbooks

tough on immigration= i'll do lots of showy but ineffective stuff to pretend i'm handling it
tough on crime= i'll do lots of showy but ineffective stuff to pretend i'm handling it

american technological supremecy= i plan to dump lots of money into the space program. i can't articulate any good reason why, but it impresses the intellectuals at NASA and the pseudo-intellectuals in the general population

against outsourcing of jobs= force american companies to hire underqualified lazy slackers to work for you for way more money than they deserve, because it makes the rich liberals feel like they're helping the poor

strengthen the economy= cook the books until nobody can understand what the heck is going on

help our seasoned citizens= cook the books until every old person is so confused by the multitude of programs for them- none of which actually help them in any way- that they will hopefully die of stress related complications and we will not have to continue paying out their social security and can use that money for more bombs- which we will never use

equality and fairness= i will use the most discriminatory policies possible to try to create a utopian society where every person gets way more than what they have actually earned (also, see affirmative action)

affirmative action= see above and add the following: through my policies, i will create a climate of racial hatred, the likes of which have never been seen in history. the backlash will mean a weaker workforce, weaker employee morale, less confidence in any professional who may (or may not) have been a recipient of affirmative actions, and an overall failed social experiment. but i will have a clear conscience

i care about the children= i think you are a sucker. any time i invoke children, i know my opponent has nowhere to go, thus ending all debate on any relevant issue. who doesn't love kids?

get out and vote/ rock the vote/ don't forget to vote/ vote or die= there are many manifestations of this phrase, but they all mean the same thing: really, i could care less what you do. i honestly believe that you are too stupid to vote anyway. if i trusted idiots like you to make decisions in government, i would be in favor of referendums on everything, and not endless political filibustering on every issue. actually, i wish you would be sent to iraq so you could get sniped on cnn, and then i could just do whatever i wanted. unless, of course, you are planning to vote for me...

anyway, i hope this has been helpful. i know politics are really complex, but i believe in you!

but unless you are voting exactly as i am, please stay home.

Missing The Point

should muslim women wear veils in their photo IDs? should muslim cab drivers be able to refuse to drive people who have closed bottles of alcohol? should the koran be given special protected status under the law?

these and many other intriguing debate topics make nothing more clear than this one simple fact: the majority of people having these discussions are just plain missing the point.

the point is that in your home you are the king of your castle. if you want to wear a veil or a monkey suit, more power to you. if you abstain from alcohol or drink rat poison, bottoms up. if you have a special safe for your koran so no infidelous breath will ever degrade its cover, knock yourself out.

but don't go to mcdonald's for a veggie burger on sprouted bread.

huh?

here's the point: IF YOU WANT TO LIVE UNDER ISLAMIC CONDITIONS, LIVE IN AN ISLAMIC COUNTRY.

why is nobody saying that? it seems so obvious to me- if you want to wear a hijab or a chador or a burka go to iran or syria or saudi arabia and earn praise as a modest woman. but don't come to america- of your own free will- to take advantage of our freedoms and then demand we change our standards (however flawed) to meet yours. i hear they have no vices (in public, at least) in many muslim countries- so go live there.

lest you jump into defensive posture, rest assured that this is not a case of 'if you don't like it, leave.' rather, it's a case of, 'if you don't want it, don't come here in the first place.'

seems pretty simple to me. if you're a devout muslim and that is your main agenda, why would you leave a muslim country to come to a place of sin and depravity? nobody brought you here. nobody even wants you here, except maybe your cousin who needs more help at the gas station.

so just go away. i think it's win-win. you keep your shariah in your neck of the woods, and i'll keep the constitution.

what's so hard to understand?