An Open Letter To Some Very Powerful And Strong Men

dear kim jong il,

i just wanted to say that i am a big fan. i really think you are everything that mere mortals should aspire to be. that's why it shocked me so much that the wackjob in iran insulted your mother.
yeah, i couldn't believe it either. i told him to stop, because you are so strong and powerful, and clearly wouldn't stand for such nonsense. but he just kept going on- about how fat she is, and how ugly- you know, all the classic lines. but when he started talking publicly about the deviant sexual acts they committed together, that was just too much. you know i hate to spread gossip, but i thought you would want to know.
anyway, i hope this doesn't change the way you feel about him. you know, now that you have nuclear weapons, you are so much more shockingly powerful than he is that you could easily crush him. so i hope you will be the benevolent ruler you have always been and take that into consideration when he posts the snuff film of your sister on you-tube.
looking forward to reading your next press releases.
-blogblond

dear ich bin a wackjob,
first off, let me apologize for getting your name wrong here. all of those north korean pundits who can't show your holy persian name the proper respect by pronouncing it correctly have made me confused. i am trying not be be led astray by them, but i fear they are gaining influence over weak minds like mine.
anyway, the reason i am writing to you, even though i know how busy you are, is this: i heard that kim jong il is planning to totally humiliate you in public. he says your suicide martyrs are no match for his advanced nuclear weapons, and he is planning to use this information to make you look foolish in the eyes of the world. he just about dared you to try to ruin his infrastructure and assasinate him with your "muslim hooligans". yep, he really said that. i thought that was it. he couldn't possibly be taking this whole thing personlally,, but then he started making fun of some of your wives. he was saying they are trashy, and that next week the north korean enquirer will be publishing photos of them with their wrists and noses showing. i know you would never tolerate a scandal like this in your household, and i am sure your wives are way too holy to have behaved so provacatively in front of the media- and that's when he let slip that he was planning to doctor the photos. i guess he went online and googled "islamic porn" and got these photos of loose women showing almost their whole hands and the noses all the way back to where they touch the face. it is so revolting i can barely bring myself to speak of it, but he is planning to have his tech guys cut and paste your wives' faces onto these western-style whores.
he said you are too weak and too afraid to retaliate, especially now that he has this supposed nuclear weapon (you don't really believe he has that, do you?). i told him that you are an honorable man, and that you would not let such a slight go unpunished, and he actually laughed at me. yep, he out and out guffawed. like, yeah, right- that wack job will never have the courage or the strength to try to hurt me or my regime.
i hope you will prove him wrong, and not let your fans be disappointed. even if others lose faith in you, i will still believe.
with all due respect,
blogblond